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Having read the OPs reply and further replies on this, it does seem that this young lady is rather rude and ill-mannered, it goes beyond the initial awkwardness of having to meet the boyfriend's parents if she has been visiting for a year, and can't even say thank you for the 21st Birthday gift.
I don't really see what you can do about it, though, other than to have a word with her and your son together, to say that you were rather disappointed and a little hurt not to have some sort of polite acknowledgement of your hospitality (not to mention for the gift)
As for my suggestion about social anxiety etc, it does not seem to be the case for this girl from what you say, and perhaps my experiences with my daughter mean that I am a little more sensitive to this possibility than others may be.
I just want to clarify after reading some of the other posts, that social anxiety is not just feeling a bit shy, nervous and apprehensive in situations that most people might feel awkward or nervous in, but is a crippling, distressing medically recognised condition which causes complete misery for the person concerned and their family, and is not as simple as Keith seems to think, and I quote:
'who makes them anxious? as long as they are allowed to use anxiety as an excuse for bad manners they will never learn to communicate etc'
My daughter was never allowed to 'use' her anxiety as an excuse for anything, she was and is very well mannered and well spoken and desperately wanted to be able to do what all her friends did, we worked very hard to challenge the situations that she found stressful over the course of the last four years, and she has made amazing progress with the help of CAMHS and the psychologists.
Nothing 'makes' them anxious, the anxiety is a state of being, albeit there are triggers, but even these are not predictable necessarily, making it very difficult to find ways through at times. None of my other children suffers with anxiety, and we were always very sociable with friends and family in and out, parties etc. so no rhyme nor reason.
It is not a choice to be anxious, for example, she lost two years of her schooling being unable to go in most of the time, and became panicky and terrified even of things that she liked to do, like going for lunch or going shopping with a friend and people visiting the house, even her own grandmother, yet somehow fought back and managed to get 5 As and 3 Bs for GCSE. She is now studying for 4 A levels in Maths, Further Maths, Physics and Philosophy, still has bad days but is coping with it well.
Just to also say to Keith that perhaps you have not realised, having daughters who are in their forties, but pressures on young people have changed immeasurably in my experience and knowledge, I am not much older than your daughters (50), and when we left school jobs were easy to come by, and easy to change if you were unhappy, pay was better in relation to the cost of living, and youngsters were not tested within an inch of their lives at every stage of their development and expected to live up to the standards in league tables or be deemed failures, the social pressures (social media and media images of the supposed ideal - its there whether we like it or not!) University tuition was free, now they have to go into debt for it, and at the end of three years usually find it hard to find work in their field, I could go on, but it is so much harder for them now in so many ways, its no wonder that mental health issues are on the rise in young people, I was amazed to find that there were so many others with similar issue to my daughter, in all walks of life, you don't know until you have had to deal with it and do the research, I know I would never have guessed!
Of course you are giving your opinion, but its not as clear cut as things being just the same as they always were, society has changed at a frightening pace in the last 30 years, and not for the better in many ways.
Going back to the OP, I just wanted to flag up the possibility of social anxiety, as not all anxiety sufferers get that help and support that my daughter has, and it is often misunderstood as rudeness or unwillingness to communicate, sending the person into even more anxiety as they worry about what others may think of them.
I tend to err on the side of caution because of our experiences, but that said would not hesitate to flag it up in a firm but polite way if I really felt that it was just rudeness.
Sorry for the long post, but the possibility of anxiety was worth considering, although it doesn't sound like it from the OP's reply.
Hope you come to some resolution with the girlfriend and your son.
Jane.
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Enjoying life beyond kids, new love, living on a boat and a new lease of life in my mid 50s! Never too old to reinvent yourself.....
Mum to five - 4 girls, 31,28,25 and 22 and one boy, 20
Engaged! Wedding June 2020!
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Topic: Son`s girlfriend, rude??????
