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I'm not sure I'd agree there, Jeff. I know 2 people who had affairs (not with each other, lol) that I'm convinced were because they were both with partners who treated them with absolute contempt and made them feel really undermined and not valued.

In one case, they went and had a lot of counselling and the partner realised the extent to which he had been neglecting my friend and taking her for granted. They are still together 10 years on and their relationship is now much more equal.

In the second case, my friend's lady friend got pregnant. She didn't want to leave her rich husband for a life of penury with my friend, so for 3 years the child's father believed her to be his own daughter. Then my friend's partner saw the light and confronted him, beat 7 shades out of him, chucked him out of the house, removed him as a director of their 2 businesses, changed the passwords on all the bank accounts and sl*gged him off to all and sundry. She also told the woman's husband that the child wasn't his.

After he got over the shock, my friend was actually relieved. He hadn't been happy for years but was unable to see a way out of the relationship because of the businesses etc, plus all their houses were just in her name. He picked himself up, got himself a job, finally settled with her for a fraction of what he really should have got and slowly put his life back together. Five years on, he has a new partner and is really happy. His ex is livid now he's with someone new and is always trying to stir things up between them. He's moved on, but she's still angry.

My pennies worth, if you forgive your partner, THEY will go through life wondering if you will get your own back and have an affair yourself.

You will most likely find you are both under suspicion, checking phones etc, being accountable for where you are, who you speak to.

My advise would be to split up, even for just a few weeks, don't make it too easy for her, she needs to prove herself now, words are cheap, if you don't lay down the rules, there is a danger she will think she can get away with it again down the line.

How many chances do you give someone?  How high or low is your bar?  Are you afraid of being by yourself, Relate will help you answer these questions.

Best of luck & hugs.

Hi Ruth

I just popped on to see if you had put an update on.

It looks as though things are 'coming round'. Even if over time you decide your relationship is unworkable, at least you have allowing yourself to reflect on the situation and it seems as though you are working through your emotions.

Oh, and congratulations on your NPQH!