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Quote: Bridgelayer, yes he did. I know he was in the Falkland’s war as he went there for 6 months the day after I was born. I have no idea if he went anywhere else and have never thought if that could be part of it all. Guess I think cause it was 31 years ago (gives away my age!) anything from then would have been dealt with.

This thread hurts, but I keep coming back to it.

My mother - now in her 90's - was an alcoholic, and I'm sure still would be if only she had the physical and mental competence to obtain it. As it is, she is virtually paralysed from the armpits down, and suffers from dementia. How much of her disability is age related, and how much alcohol related, is anybody's guess.

My father died 24 years ago, and gradually after that we became aware that there was a problem, but couldn't for a while work out what it was (thanks to the recession of the 80's, we had all moved away to get work. I asked my mother to move near us, but she wouldn't). She was acting very strangely and after a couple of years we realised that alcohol was at the root of it. We tried talking to her her, I went to Al-Anon to try to get strategies to help her cope, spoke to her doctor - we tried everything we could think of, but she wasn't prepared to give up. When drunk (most of the time) she was was hostile and abusive, and often incontinent.

We would travel 170 miles to see her, only for her to refuse to let us in the house because if we came in she had to stop drinking. She would see us through the window, but just flap her hand at us in dismissal - the doors would be locked.

Worryingly she was still driving: the doctor said he couldn't report her to DVLA because of patient confidentiality. So whenever my brother and I visited we vandalised her car as we knew she couldn't (even at her best) identify or resolve any mechanical problems. My handbag has played host to rotor arms, points, plugs,and various wires. We used to disconnect the coil or the battery (or both). Unfortunately she just used to ring up the local garage and they would come and repair it (goodness knows what they thought was happening).

When my daughter was born, the pair of us spent 3 months in hospital, but not so much as a card from my mother, she just wasn't interested. For the next year or so we still invited her to stay, but it became increasingly worrying as she was unstable on her feet and I was afraid she would fall on the baby. The crunch came when I was expecting my second child. I had taken my mother and daughter out for the day; when we got back, as I was unstrapping my daughter from the baby seat, my mother ran away, on a hunt for drink. She didn't have a clue where she was going. When my husband got in from work we went our separate ways looking for her. My husband's first stop was the police station (it's my daughter's earliest memory). As it happened, my mother had been reported to the police while she was sprawling on the pavement, drinking from a brandy bottle. To the policemen's credit, they didn't take her to the police station but to the cottage hospital, where we were able to pick her up. After that, although she came to visit, it was day trips only, I couldn't cope with another overnighter and two toddlers.

My mother was never interested in my children, only her brandy bottle. I have always felt jealous of women who have been able to discuss day-to-day problems/concerns/events with their mothers - I haven't for the last quarter of a century - and I am unimaginably resentful of those people whose mothers are real grandparents. My mother is my children's only surviving grandparent, the others died before they were born, but my kids don't know what having a real grandparent is like.

About 8 years ago my mother broke her hip (she has broken most of her bones in alcohol induced falls; another incidence of alcoholism is osteoporosis), there were complications and she spent about 10 months in hospital. She was only out 3 weeks when she fell and broke the other one. In total she spent nearly a year in hospital which served to dry her out, and when she came out of hospital her mobility was so severely affected she couldn't get to the shops (and wouldn't know how to order over the phone).

By then though, her memory had been severely affected. For years, even when she has been sober, her memory has been non-existent - and that includes long-term memory. Not only is it difficult to have a conversation with her (try only talking about what's happening right now, and nothing else) but also your memories go a long way to making up your personality.

I don't think I have any feelings for my mother, that in fact the person who was my mother died many years ago. I certainly felt a great deal of loss and did a lot of grieving then. How I'll feel when she eventually dies, I really don't know.

I can remember instances from my childhood which make me think that the alcohol problems weren't triggered by my father's death. I suspect that there were already problems, but he didn't allow them to develop (my mother never had any money, didn't own a purse or a handbag until after my father died). No alcohol was allowed in the house, which we just put down to my father having strong views on booze. I think that when he died the control was removed.

One thing I have learned is that it's not my fault. I have done everything I could to try and address the problem, but it was my mother's choice to reject my family in favour of alcohol. If your father doesn't choose to take control of the situation, then that too is HIS choice and it IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Perhaps he should read some of the posts on here - he might find it enlightening. It might also remind him of what he stands to lose.