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13/5/2014 at 10:37pm
Location: Eastleigh Hampshire
Outfit: Sprite Major 4 FB
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I feel I need to let of steam and maybe get some advice from some outsiders, so I come to this lovely place,who have helped me before.
Some of you may remember my post at the beginning of the year,on my alcoholic dad and facing my father in law going through chemo this year.
Well my dad is about the same, when we got confirmation that my files chemo was starting I emailed him and said I know he will want to help if he can, and that the best way he can help me is by sorting himself out.
FIL started chemo in February and is going well so far, before then I,took hubby to,doctors and he was put on anti depressants, these have helped his moods but not really his motivation, he used to be really good at doing stuff round the house, now I am paying for someone to do his cleaning chores cause I don't have tome to do whole house (full time work anesthetic level 4 AAT) and got feed up of getting annoyed on things like bathroom being done once a month.
When hubby got put on anti depressants I let my mum know and said that I have to focus on him and the in laws, which she understands and told my dad. I do avoid us seeing them as don't think it fair to,hubby and to be honest I don't want to see him.
The thing that has tipped me tonight is that over the last 3 week's on my college night hubby has gone down our local working man club as soon as he got home and stays till after I get back from college (which is half 8 in the eve)! Yes I know he shouldn't be drinking (I have been,fighting depression since 2010 with medication,cbt etc) but it gets him out and socialising with people (he moved down from Nottingham to be with me) with out me. For years I have tried to get him to do stuff to meet people etc so he has friends of his own.
So the last few college nights I have gotten home to,find the cats haven't been,feed, dinner needs finishing off, lunches need doing and other little bits and prince's. He knows I really want to be coming home, dinner just needs to be reheated, finish of my lunch and go to bed.
Whilst he doesn't really enjoy the drinking side of it he,does it as it relaxes him so he will speak to people. He is a very very shy person, has lived in his brothers shadow and was brought up in a very strict environment where he was pretty much to sit quietly and say,nothing.
I am glad he is wanting yo socialising and I hate to get annoyed but he has been told and told I need help and that I am struggling, every time this has happened I have said it is not him going out that gets me but the time he stays out,till. Today he told me I had spoiled his day and,although he said sorry when I said only say it if u mean it he said he didn't.
I have tried to come,up with other ways of him meeting people like join a gym, motorbike club etc and,pointed out that it is through work and going to the gym I go to (it's women only so he can't going) that I have made some good friends
Yet again I am left tearful and feeling like the horrible nagging wife I don't want to be.
Rant over x
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14/5/2014 at 1:24pm
Location: Ayrshire
Outfit: Trigano Tribute 669
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I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.
First of all, you mustn't beat yourself up - you're not a nagging wife. You're obviously a very strong woman, who is coping with far too much. You are also more able to deal with your depression than your husband is. In my experience, men and women are "wired" entirely differently and we often find it easier to just "keep going".
I grew up with an alcoholic dad too - so I know what you're going through. He died just 2 days before I got married. So, I haven't had to deal with an alcoholic dad as a married woman. But what I would say to you, is that you are doing the right thing just now. You have to concentrate on your marriage, getting your husband through your FIL's diagnosis and helping your FIL. I imagine nothing you do will change your own dad just now, so you HAVE to put him on the back burner, if you know what I mean.
Your husband will have got the shock of his life on hearing his dad has cancer and needs chemo. By the sounds of it, he's been raised to keep quiet, not reveal his feelings and has no confidence in himself. The best thing you can do for him is to push for him to get some CBT - he really needs it for many reasons (I've had it too - I have General Anxiety Disorder and bouts of depression).
Arguing will get you nowhere (been there again lol!). Sometimes a hubby just needs a quiet explanation and I think your hubby will be more receptive to a conversation over coffee. If he's been brought up to be meek, then if you are getting angry (which I TOTALLY understand), he's probably going to switch off - a defence mechanism, which he's probably employed his whole life. It might be good if you could agree on a list of things that need doing and divvy up the jobs between you. My hubby is not troubled with depression or anything, but I still needed to pretty well point out exactly what needs doing to keep the house and kids ticking over, as I couldn't (and wasn't prepared to) do everything!
You must be so very frustrated and exhausted, bless you. I've been married for 17 years and have learned that marriage is a big journey, with some pretty large pot-holes in the road along the way! This time will pass, I promise. What's most important is YOUR MARRIAGE. Your in-laws will cope with the chemo - after the initial shock, they will manage with your help (also been there). But you have to nurture your marriage as it is just as important. Honestly, there have been times over the years that I just felt I couldn't be married anymore. I've known my OH since I was 12, we started going together at 16 and got married at 23. We've had our fair share of troubled times, gigantic arguments too. We've walked out, driven away, cried! But the important thing is, we calm down eventually and talk about it. Keep talking - it's so important.
Sending a big hug to you.
Gillian. xx
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Gillian
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Topic: Rant
