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Subject Topic: Struggling with my Mum Post Reply Post New Topic
18/4/2017 at 2:07pm
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I've had a difficult Easter.

My younger brother has been diagnosed with throat cancer and ended up in intensive care after a biopsy he's in his 30s and it's a real shock. He's really poorly and very scared as they've not had all the tests back so they don't know if it's spread.

They all live at the other end of the country so Ive been dealing with this by phone and text. My Mum really lost it - total hysteria and then booked my stepfather who has dementia into respite care for 2 weeks and headed down to by brothers to 'help' and basically move in. She didn't check this was OK with either my sister in law or brother.

When I found out I spoke to her on the phone and suggested that she spent sometime with them and then came and spent easter with us - she agreed at the time and then later messaged to say she was staying with them for the full 2 weeks. After a week my sister-in-law had to ask my Mum to leave to give her the space she needed, which reluctantly and after some texts she did - though she returned at the weekend. She has also been getting very upset and hysterical and at one point my sister-in-law had to call one of my Mum's friends to help.
I asked my brother if they wanted me to come down and help but they suggested it best to wait until they know how bad the cancer is and the treatment plan.

Sorry, the long winded story - it's because my Mum phoned this morning (I hadn't spoken since she said that she wasn't coming up at Easter because it had made me so angry) and I tried to get her to think about her behaviour and how it affects others. Wish I hadnt tried, it's just made me feel really guilty and horrible - and she denied everything - said she had been asked to stay and help and that she hadn't had any meltdowns.

I Know it's her Son and that she has every right to be upset, we're all really upset, with my Mum however there is never any room for anyone else's feelings just her own. This probably makes me sound like a real b***h, it's just she's been like this my entire life.

Sorry for the long winded post - feels better to have other off my chest. I'm really worried about my brother and just praying he's going to be OK.


18/4/2017 at 4:11pm
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So sorry to hear of your situation. Having read your message, it sounds like it is going to have to be down to your brother or sister in law to let your mum know kindly that they need space but let her know she will be called upon if needed. Yes she will be dreadfully upset as you all are and people handle situations like this in different ways - it must be awful for you all. What is important is that no added stress is put upon your brother as he gets the treatment that he needs and maybe this may come across better from your sister in law? You don't come across as anything other than a worried sister and I wish your brother all the best and positivity for the future x


18/4/2017 at 6:19pm
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Katieep, if you take out the thirtysomething sibling with cancer, which I haven't been affected by - thank God - I'm in a similar position to you. The rest of my family live in West Wales while I'm 200 miles away in the Midlands. My dad is in the late stage of dementia. Respite care in the area is very thin on the ground and made worse by the fact that, even with reduced mobility he is physically strong enough to need two carers to either lift him if he falls or restrain him if he tries to escape. So most of his care falls to my mum, who also works and is self-employed, and my sister who is currently on maternity leave. She visits him daily and both she and my mum are adamant that this arrangement is helpful, but her 3 kids are such a handful that's is often hard to see how. They're constantly wanting their granny to do things with them, when she's absolutely and constantly exhausted.

However, the fact is my sister, even with the kids in tow is doing far more to help than I can, and that there's nothing I can do or say that won't make the situation worse.

It's hard isn't it.

However, and with due respect, I think your post has been written out of emotion and frustration. There's nothing wrong with that and I don't think you come across as "a b***h" as you put it, just upset. But I can see your mum's point of view as well. If she did "lose it", drop everything and head straight over to your brother's to "help" can you really blame her? She's received shocking news about your brother - her child - and somehow if she as the parent is there everything will be all right.

It sounds like it's going to be down to your sister-in-law (and your brother if he can) to tell your mum when they need some time and space to themselves. If they don't say anything, then - hard as it is to do nothing - there'll be nothing you can say that won't increase the stress on them all, and by association on you as well. Just let your sister-in-law know that you'll support her if she does need to say anything to your mum, and also be prepared to give your mum a shoulder to cry on if she reacts negatively to that.

What's good, and what your family should be proud of is that you're all communicating with each other and wanting to help where you can.

Sorry if this reply has been even more long-winded than your original post - some of it's been quite hard to write if I'm honest - but I really hope your brother is able to make a swift recovery. Thinking of you all x


18/4/2017 at 7:10pm
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Hi guys

Thanks for the advice -you are right I need to leave it to my brother and sister-in-law and will from now on. My sister-in-law is very good with her.

It's difficult not to want to protect them and my Mum can be incredibly difficult and manipulative but obviously at the moment is in a lot of pain and I feel guilty for getting so angry and frustrated with her. My older sister manages her a lot better than I do but lives abroad and isn't easily contactable and my older brother and her have a difficult relationship because she has totally alienated his wife!

I will have a big G&T and see if I can get hold of my sister

Thank you


18/4/2017 at 10:19pm
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Read the OP, then started to think about a reply.

... But then spotted someone had beaten me to it...



Quote: Originally posted by SamandRose on 18/4/2017

...It sounds like it's going to be down to your sister-in-law (and your brother if he can) to tell your mum when they need some time and space to themselves. If they don't say anything, then - hard as it is to do nothing - there'll be nothing you can say that won't increase the stress on them all, and by association on you as well. Just let your sister-in-law know that you'll support her if she does need to say anything to your mum, and also be prepared to give your mum a shoulder to cry on if she reacts negatively to that...



Couldn't have put it better myself!



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19/4/2017 at 9:06am
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First of all, i am sorry to read of your troubles. I have had a throat cancer 2 years ago and am in the second year of remission. I know what it feels like, mentally and physically and how it affects everyone around.

Personaly i think you and your familys reaction is quite normal, and that is to panic. There is fear of the unknown. But what of your brother. What is it he wants?

My advice? Evryone stop any in fighting, negitive thoughts and emotions. Pull together as a team and support one another. Your brother is the most important thing. He may be strong enough to deal with this situation and will need to know everyone is there for him. He may not be strong enough. Same support.

My family too are spead about. Your brother will have his own fighting spirit and coping mechanisms. He has a long fight in front of him.

Everyone is different in dealing with the emotions of this terrible desease. But take things one step at a time.

Let the dust settle and glue evrything back together. Do you best to manage your feelins. There are plenty of support groups to help you. Take advantage of them.

You'll all learn to cope once you are able to take a step back and get things back into perspective. Don't be too hard on your mum, cos thats what she is, a mum.

Good luck with it all. I'll carry on looking if you decide to continue wanting some support on here.

R


20/4/2017 at 9:56am
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Quote: Originally posted by rjtcamplet on 19/4/2017
First of all, i am sorry to read of your troubles. I have had a throat cancer 2 years ago and am in the second year of remission. I know what it feels like, mentally and physically and how it affects everyone around.

Personaly i think you and your familys reaction is quite normal, and that is to panic. There is fear of the unknown. But what of your brother. What is it he wants?

My advice? Evryone stop any in fighting, negitive thoughts and emotions. Pull together as a team and support one another. Your brother is the most important thing. He may be strong enough to deal with this situation and will need to know everyone is there for him. He may not be strong enough. Same support.

My family too are spead about. Your brother will have his own fighting spirit and coping mechanisms. He has a long fight in front of him.

Everyone is different in dealing with the emotions of this terrible desease. But take things one step at a time.

Let the dust settle and glue evrything back together. Do you best to manage your feelins. There are plenty of support groups to help you. Take advantage of them.

You'll all learn to cope once you are able to take a step back and get things back into perspective. Don't be too hard on your mum, cos thats what she is, a mum.

Good luck with it all. I'll carry on looking if you decide to continue wanting some support on here.

R



Glad to hear you are in remission and you've survived what must have been a really tough journey.

My brother is being really positive - my sister and I have been sending him loads of messages - funny videos etc, phone calls and care packages. My older brother has been visiting and of course he has his wife and kids who are the most important thing in all this. He's been really ill and is still in hospital and from what I understand tires easily. They are getting the prognosis and treatment plan on Friday - My sister-in-law wants to wait until they know what's what before I visit - they are going to need all sorts of help with kids and pets and she wants to make sure she makes maximum use of the help available.

I had a long chat with my older brother about my Mum who he says hasn't stop crying since we all found out and is only thinking of herself my younger brother is really worried about her, which is the last thing he needs. She's gone back home now but we think she is probably muddling my brothers illness with a bereavement she suffered 40 odd years ago and never really dealt with. I suspect she needs proper bereavement counselling - I might try and get my sister to suggest she sees the GP and get some help - though if she'll listen is anyone's guess !


20/4/2017 at 12:20pm
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You don't really like your mum very much, do you?

With respect, your posts here do suggest that you're particularly angry and frustrated at your mum, who you feel is 'difficult' and 'manipulative' and rather selfish ('only thinking of herself' and 'never any room for anyone else's feelings but her own'). You suggest that she needs counselling, to help deal with some things she has experienced in her life and you seem to think she is more of a hindrance than a help. You say she's become 'hysterical', despite that you weren't there to witness it and it's something she's denied. You mention that your sister 'manages' your mum better than you do and that you feel you want to 'protect' your brother and his wife from her.

All this, in just 3 posts does suggest that you have major unresolved issues with your relationship with your mum. I'd suggest - and please don't take this the wrong way - this is maybe something you could do with some help with, especially since you've mentioned the 'guilt', 'anger' and 'frustration' you feel about her.

It seems possible that your concern and feelings about your brother right now are being confused by - and possibly heightened by - your relationship issues with your mum. If that's the case, it's also possible that your viewpoint about her is being conveyed to others in your family, at a time when the focus should be entirely on your brother. Instead of focusing on what your mum may or may not be doing and whether or not you agree with it, possibly it might be better to step back and accept that she is a person in her own right - as are you - and that you're not responsible for her. Maybe try to address your issues with her at another time and hopefully you'll stop feeling so overloaded.

I know, from personal experience, that life and relationships are complicated and sometimes painful. Families aren't like the Waltons, sadly, so I'm not judging you here, honestly.

Accept that you can't solve everything - or make everything right - and deal with things one at a time, and you might feel a little less stressed. You aren't the family police officer, you are a daughter and a sister and it sounds as if you're trying your best in a difficult situation. But, it sounds as if this is mostly your brother's situation and that of his wife. The rest of you can do little but offer support where and when it's needed.

I genuinely hope you will one day talk to someone about the way you feel about your mum, for both your sakes. You say she's been this way 'your whole life'. Maybe that's what needs addressing? It's not a blame-game, and I hope the two of you can find your way back to a better place, in time.


20/4/2017 at 5:39pm
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Quote: Originally posted by lidds0 on 20/4/2017
You don't really like your mum very much, do you?

With respect, your posts here do suggest that you're particularly angry and frustrated at your mum, who you feel is 'difficult' and 'manipulative' and rather selfish ('only thinking of herself' and 'never any room for anyone else's feelings but her own'). You suggest that she needs counselling, to help deal with some things she has experienced in her life and you seem to think she is more of a hindrance than a help. You say she's become 'hysterical', despite that you weren't there to witness it and it's something she's denied. You mention that your sister 'manages' your mum better than you do and that you feel you want to 'protect' your brother and his wife from her.

All this, in just 3 posts does suggest that you have major unresolved issues with your relationship with your mum. I'd suggest - and please don't take this the wrong way - this is maybe something you could do with some help with, especially since you've mentioned the 'guilt', 'anger' and 'frustration' you feel about her.

It seems possible that your concern and feelings about your brother right now are being confused by - and possibly heightened by - your relationship issues with your mum. If that's the case, it's also possible that your viewpoint about her is being conveyed to others in your family, at a time when the focus should be entirely on your brother. Instead of focusing on what your mum may or may not be doing and whether or not you agree with it, possibly it might be better to step back and accept that she is a person in her own right - as are you - and that you're not responsible for her. Maybe try to address your issues with her at another time and hopefully you'll stop feeling so overloaded.

I know, from personal experience, that life and relationships are complicated and sometimes painful. Families aren't like the Waltons, sadly, so I'm not judging you here, honestly.

Accept that you can't solve everything - or make everything right - and deal with things one at a time, and you might feel a little less stressed. You aren't the family police officer, you are a daughter and a sister and it sounds as if you're trying your best in a difficult situation. But, it sounds as if this is mostly your brother's situation and that of his wife. The rest of you can do little but offer support where and when it's needed.

I genuinely hope you will one day talk to someone about the way you feel about your mum, for both your sakes. You say she's been this way 'your whole life'. Maybe that's what needs addressing? It's not a blame-game, and I hope the two of you can find your way back to a better place, in time.



You're right I do have issues with my Mum (as do all of her children) for reasons I really don't want to go into - that's why this post is called 'struggling with my Mum' !!

These issues will never be resolved because she will never admit there are any problems with our relationship or that there were any issues in our childhood. I have had counselling and am normally fine with this, it is what it is - this awful situation with my brother has brought it all to the fore.

I always find peoples quite judgmental if you says you don't get on with your mother - that some how there is something wrong with you - that you should love your mum no matter what and that she couldn't possibly be at fault !

It is good advice to take a step back from her and that is what I'll do. Thank you.

Post last edited on 20/04/2017 17:45:00


20/4/2017 at 9:33pm
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I know that love isn't the easy, straightforward thing that's portrayed in the movies, and sometimes it just doesn't ever work out, even when parents and children are involved.

I hope you do manage to step back. Remember that you're not responsible for your mum or for her failings. The thing is, she might have been doing the best she can, you know? We're none of us perfect. You're an adult now and so is she, you don't need to be the parent in this situation. You can't protect everybody but you can look after yourself, and that's important under these circumstances, eh?

You sound a good daughter and sister to me; concerned and loving and mixed up about some stuff which sometimes gets in the way. I wish you all the very best. Just know, you've got friends who are thinking of you and wishing you well.

Post last edited on 20/04/2017 23:52:46


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21/4/2017 at 8:10am
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Oh, Katie, that does sound hard. So sorry about your brother. Fingers crossed for you all as he goes through treatment.

I certainly do not think you are a b***h. While it is of course understandable that your Mum is frantic with worry and distress, it is also true that someone who is often difficult will be no less difficult in times of crisis. Your Mum made it 'all about her' at times.

When my S-I-L was diagnosed with cancer (now an avid fell walker, has taken on a huge career leap....) we were able to fall naturally into a chain of support, but personalities don't always fall into place.

Try and manage your own anger, maybe being the person your Mum talks to about her worries could 'mop her up a bit', and try and visit HER rather than your brother, if that helps.

Do your brother and S-I-L have children?

Your S-I-L sounds calm and strong. In truth I would have gone potty in her shoes: news like that and my M-I-L arriving to stay for 2 weeks unannounced!

All best wishes to you and your family.


21/4/2017 at 8:53pm
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Your Mum is suffering from stress. Thats the reason why ahe is behaving the way she is. Her body will be coursing with Adrenalin. Its like watching a horror movie and being on the edge of your seat just waiting for something horrible to happen. Unfortunately for your Mum its not just for an hour or so but its happening 24 hours a day. I know this from my own experience, I experienced the same feelings when we were told our son had a terminal brain tumour (in the end it turned out to be not what the medics thought but a tumour that was rare and treatable. But thats another story)
I dont know what you can do to help your Mum. I just recognised my self how I was feeling and calmed my self down by realising I had to stay strong and be there to support my son and family. I have to admit though it was easier for me because my son lived very close to us.
I do hope your brother receives a good prognosis and recovers. Has he gets more favourable information from the medics your Mum may calm down.


21/4/2017 at 11:46pm
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You have my utmost sympathy, I agree when you have a relative who has a personality disorder particularly if that relative is female people are quite judgemental believing that you may be the issue since on the outside the relative appears to be "a lovely lady".

We have been suffering from a relative who is also "difficult".

What has helped is that we have taken to communicating with her on hospital and other matters via letter or email, it keeps a record of the communications plus you can define what the plans are without emotions confusing the message.

Also, find a friend who will just listen to your anger, just getting it off your chest helps. As I have grown older I have become more accepting that this is who she is, although some actions can never be forgiven.

Jokes and emails are a lovely way of supporting your brother. A friend sent me a joke a day during my cancer treatment, it was a great help. Asking them what they would like you to do and just listening to them regularly would also be a good way of supporting them. Set a regular time for a phone call and a supportive chat, even if that chat some weeks just involves discussing the weather.

I can also recommend phoning one of the cancer support lines. Once your brother has a diagnosis and treatment plan he should get a specialist support nurse who can help and advise on how to manage your Mums reaction.

Having said all that I must give your Mum some sympathy as she must be very panicked and clearly doesn't know where her role lies within all this. Perhaps give her a task that she could do that will help e.g buy pyjamas, keep a record of appointment in a diary, order some helpful leaflets, plan a trip out for your brothers family, research supportive or complementary therapies.

Give her a clear role that she can stick to even if it's something that doesn't actually need doing or someone else is also doing the same thing.

I hope I haven't been too cryptic I didn't want to give too much on my own circumstances.

Butterfly are a good place to start




http://www.butterfly.org.uk/


21/4/2017 at 11:50pm
 Location: east midlands
 Outfit: swift 530
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Oh and don't forget to be kind to yourself, plan something nice to give you a break from the emotion. A nice walk, lunch, coffee out it doesn't need to be something big


22/4/2017 at 10:07am
 Location: Hampshire
 Outfit: Camplet Classic & Nissan Qashqai
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If it helps, someone once said to me just because a person is your mother it doesn't mean you have to be unconditional towards them and put up with their behavior.

I to had a very differcult vindictive mother who would set sister against brother and make my life a misery. Even asked her neigbour if she thought my daughter looked like me!

So the choice was made clear. Either my partner and our children or my mother.

I didn't see my mother for 20 years.

Might be harsh but there you go. Still together 42 years on.

R


22/4/2017 at 11:49am
 Location: London
 Outfit: Vango Kalu Hypercamp Eldorado
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I have an aunt who ticks every box for narcissistic personality disorder and she has caused havoc in our family. Manufacturing split loyalties, emotional blackmail and manipulation. Come between husbands and wives amongst her siblings, the lot.

Now my mother is ill and frail she has well and truly made it about her. Bears down on Mum, staying for a week to 'help ' , hates my father and manipulates him out of the way and out of favour, my Mum is too weak, and too emotionally entrenched with her sister to lay down boundaries. It isn't well meant. If she had genuine sympathy and empathy she would actually listen to what Mum wants or needs.

I have no doubt that your mother is distressed about her son, and some compassion for her is natural . But do not feel guilty for still feeling the anger she has earned for her general behaviour.



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