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Topic: Struggling with my Mum
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18/4/2017 at 6:19pm
Location: Midlands Outfit: 2019 VW Arteon + 2002 Avondale Dart
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Katieep, if you take out the thirtysomething sibling with cancer, which I haven't been affected by - thank God - I'm in a similar position to you. The rest of my family live in West Wales while I'm 200 miles away in the Midlands. My dad is in the late stage of dementia. Respite care in the area is very thin on the ground and made worse by the fact that, even with reduced mobility he is physically strong enough to need two carers to either lift him if he falls or restrain him if he tries to escape. So most of his care falls to my mum, who also works and is self-employed, and my sister who is currently on maternity leave. She visits him daily and both she and my mum are adamant that this arrangement is helpful, but her 3 kids are such a handful that's is often hard to see how. They're constantly wanting their granny to do things with them, when she's absolutely and constantly exhausted.
However, the fact is my sister, even with the kids in tow is doing far more to help than I can, and that there's nothing I can do or say that won't make the situation worse.
It's hard isn't it.
However, and with due respect, I think your post has been written out of emotion and frustration. There's nothing wrong with that and I don't think you come across as "a b***h" as you put it, just upset. But I can see your mum's point of view as well. If she did "lose it", drop everything and head straight over to your brother's to "help" can you really blame her? She's received shocking news about your brother - her child - and somehow if she as the parent is there everything will be all right.
It sounds like it's going to be down to your sister-in-law (and your brother if he can) to tell your mum when they need some time and space to themselves. If they don't say anything, then - hard as it is to do nothing - there'll be nothing you can say that won't increase the stress on them all, and by association on you as well. Just let your sister-in-law know that you'll support her if she does need to say anything to your mum, and also be prepared to give your mum a shoulder to cry on if she reacts negatively to that.
What's good, and what your family should be proud of is that you're all communicating with each other and wanting to help where you can.
Sorry if this reply has been even more long-winded than your original post - some of it's been quite hard to write if I'm honest - but I really hope your brother is able to make a swift recovery. Thinking of you all x
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20/4/2017 at 12:20pm
Location: Yorkshire Outfit: None Entered
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You don't really like your mum very much, do you?
With respect, your posts here do suggest that you're particularly angry and frustrated at your mum, who you feel is 'difficult' and 'manipulative' and rather selfish ('only thinking of herself' and 'never any room for anyone else's feelings but her own'). You suggest that she needs counselling, to help deal with some things she has experienced in her life and you seem to think she is more of a hindrance than a help. You say she's become 'hysterical', despite that you weren't there to witness it and it's something she's denied. You mention that your sister 'manages' your mum better than you do and that you feel you want to 'protect' your brother and his wife from her.
All this, in just 3 posts does suggest that you have major unresolved issues with your relationship with your mum. I'd suggest - and please don't take this the wrong way - this is maybe something you could do with some help with, especially since you've mentioned the 'guilt', 'anger' and 'frustration' you feel about her.
It seems possible that your concern and feelings about your brother right now are being confused by - and possibly heightened by - your relationship issues with your mum. If that's the case, it's also possible that your viewpoint about her is being conveyed to others in your family, at a time when the focus should be entirely on your brother. Instead of focusing on what your mum may or may not be doing and whether or not you agree with it, possibly it might be better to step back and accept that she is a person in her own right - as are you - and that you're not responsible for her. Maybe try to address your issues with her at another time and hopefully you'll stop feeling so overloaded.
I know, from personal experience, that life and relationships are complicated and sometimes painful. Families aren't like the Waltons, sadly, so I'm not judging you here, honestly.
Accept that you can't solve everything - or make everything right - and deal with things one at a time, and you might feel a little less stressed. You aren't the family police officer, you are a daughter and a sister and it sounds as if you're trying your best in a difficult situation. But, it sounds as if this is mostly your brother's situation and that of his wife. The rest of you can do little but offer support where and when it's needed.
I genuinely hope you will one day talk to someone about the way you feel about your mum, for both your sakes. You say she's been this way 'your whole life'. Maybe that's what needs addressing? It's not a blame-game, and I hope the two of you can find your way back to a better place, in time.
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20/4/2017 at 5:39pm
Location: None Entered Outfit: Xplore 422
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Quote: Originally posted by lidds0 on 20/4/2017
You don't really like your mum very much, do you?
With respect, your posts here do suggest that you're particularly angry and frustrated at your mum, who you feel is 'difficult' and 'manipulative' and rather selfish ('only thinking of herself' and 'never any room for anyone else's feelings but her own'). You suggest that she needs counselling, to help deal with some things she has experienced in her life and you seem to think she is more of a hindrance than a help. You say she's become 'hysterical', despite that you weren't there to witness it and it's something she's denied. You mention that your sister 'manages' your mum better than you do and that you feel you want to 'protect' your brother and his wife from her.
All this, in just 3 posts does suggest that you have major unresolved issues with your relationship with your mum. I'd suggest - and please don't take this the wrong way - this is maybe something you could do with some help with, especially since you've mentioned the 'guilt', 'anger' and 'frustration' you feel about her.
It seems possible that your concern and feelings about your brother right now are being confused by - and possibly heightened by - your relationship issues with your mum. If that's the case, it's also possible that your viewpoint about her is being conveyed to others in your family, at a time when the focus should be entirely on your brother. Instead of focusing on what your mum may or may not be doing and whether or not you agree with it, possibly it might be better to step back and accept that she is a person in her own right - as are you - and that you're not responsible for her. Maybe try to address your issues with her at another time and hopefully you'll stop feeling so overloaded.
I know, from personal experience, that life and relationships are complicated and sometimes painful. Families aren't like the Waltons, sadly, so I'm not judging you here, honestly.
Accept that you can't solve everything - or make everything right - and deal with things one at a time, and you might feel a little less stressed. You aren't the family police officer, you are a daughter and a sister and it sounds as if you're trying your best in a difficult situation. But, it sounds as if this is mostly your brother's situation and that of his wife. The rest of you can do little but offer support where and when it's needed.
I genuinely hope you will one day talk to someone about the way you feel about your mum, for both your sakes. You say she's been this way 'your whole life'. Maybe that's what needs addressing? It's not a blame-game, and I hope the two of you can find your way back to a better place, in time.
You're right I do have issues with my Mum (as do all of her children) for reasons I really don't want to go into - that's why this post is called 'struggling with my Mum' !!
These issues will never be resolved because she will never admit there are any problems with our relationship or that there were any issues in our childhood. I have had counselling and am normally fine with this, it is what it is - this awful situation with my brother has brought it all to the fore.
I always find peoples quite judgmental if you says you don't get on with your mother - that some how there is something wrong with you - that you should love your mum no matter what and that she couldn't possibly be at fault !
It is good advice to take a step back from her and that is what I'll do. Thank you.
Post last edited on 20/04/2017 17:45:00
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21/4/2017 at 11:46pm
Location: east midlands Outfit: swift 530
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You have my utmost sympathy, I agree when you have a relative who has a personality disorder particularly if that relative is female people are quite judgemental believing that you may be the issue since on the outside the relative appears to be "a lovely lady".
We have been suffering from a relative who is also "difficult".
What has helped is that we have taken to communicating with her on hospital and other matters via letter or email, it keeps a record of the communications plus you can define what the plans are without emotions confusing the message.
Also, find a friend who will just listen to your anger, just getting it off your chest helps. As I have grown older I have become more accepting that this is who she is, although some actions can never be forgiven.
Jokes and emails are a lovely way of supporting your brother. A friend sent me a joke a day during my cancer treatment, it was a great help. Asking them what they would like you to do and just listening to them regularly would also be a good way of supporting them. Set a regular time for a phone call and a supportive chat, even if that chat some weeks just involves discussing the weather.
I can also recommend phoning one of the cancer support lines. Once your brother has a diagnosis and treatment plan he should get a specialist support nurse who can help and advise on how to manage your Mums reaction.
Having said all that I must give your Mum some sympathy as she must be very panicked and clearly doesn't know where her role lies within all this. Perhaps give her a task that she could do that will help e.g buy pyjamas, keep a record of appointment in a diary, order some helpful leaflets, plan a trip out for your brothers family, research supportive or complementary therapies.
Give her a clear role that she can stick to even if it's something that doesn't actually need doing or someone else is also doing the same thing.
I hope I haven't been too cryptic I didn't want to give too much on my own circumstances.
Butterfly are a good place to start
http://www.butterfly.org.uk/
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