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Quote: Originally posted by SamandRose on 18/4/2017

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...It sounds like it's going to be down to your sister-in-law (and your brother if he can) to tell your mum when they need some time and space to themselves. If they don't say anything, then - hard as it is to do nothing - there'll be nothing you can say that won't increase the stress on them all, and by association on you as well. Just let your sister-in-law know that you'll support her if she does need to say anything to your mum, and also be prepared to give your mum a shoulder to cry on if she reacts negatively to that...

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Quote: Originally posted by rjtcamplet on 19/4/2017

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First of all, i am sorry to read of your troubles. I have had a throat cancer 2 years ago and am in the second year of remission. I know what it feels like, mentally and physically and how it affects everyone around.

Personaly i think you and your familys reaction is quite normal, and that is to panic. There is fear of the unknown. But what of your brother. What is it he wants?

My advice? Evryone stop any in fighting, negitive thoughts and emotions. Pull together as a team and support one another. Your brother is the most important thing. He may be strong enough to deal with this situation and will need to know everyone is there for him. He may not be strong enough. Same support.

My family too are spead about. Your brother will have his own fighting spirit and coping mechanisms. He has a long fight in front of him.

Everyone is different in dealing with the emotions of this terrible desease. But take things one step at a time.

Let the dust settle and glue evrything back together. Do you best to manage your feelins. There are plenty of support groups to help you. Take advantage of them.

You'll all learn to cope once you are able to take a step back and get things back into perspective. Don't be too hard on your mum, cos thats what she is, a mum.

Good luck with it all. I'll carry on looking if you decide to continue wanting some support on here.

R

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Quote: Originally posted by lidds0 on 20/4/2017

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You don't really like your mum very much, do you?

With respect, your posts here do suggest that you're particularly angry and frustrated at your mum, who you feel is 'difficult' and 'manipulative' and rather selfish ('only thinking of herself' and 'never any room for anyone else's feelings but her own'). You suggest that she needs counselling, to help deal with some things she has experienced in her life and you seem to think she is more of a hindrance than a help. You say she's become 'hysterical', despite that you weren't there to witness it and it's something she's denied. You mention that your sister 'manages' your mum better than you do and that you feel you want to 'protect' your brother and his wife from her.

All this, in just 3 posts does suggest that you have major unresolved issues with your relationship with your mum. I'd suggest - and please don't take this the wrong way - this is maybe something you could do with some help with, especially since you've mentioned the 'guilt', 'anger' and 'frustration' you feel about her.

It seems possible that your concern and feelings about your brother right now are being confused by - and possibly heightened by - your relationship issues with your mum. If that's the case, it's also possible that your viewpoint about her is being conveyed to others in your family, at a time when the focus should be entirely on your brother. Instead of focusing on what your mum may or may not be doing and whether or not you agree with it, possibly it might be better to step back and accept that she is a person in her own right - as are you - and that you're not responsible for her. Maybe try to address your issues with her at another time and hopefully you'll stop feeling so overloaded.

I know, from personal experience, that life and relationships are complicated and sometimes painful. Families aren't like the Waltons, sadly, so I'm not judging you here, honestly.

Accept that you can't solve everything - or make everything right - and deal with things one at a time, and you might feel a little less stressed. You aren't the family police officer, you are a daughter and a sister and it sounds as if you're trying your best in a difficult situation. But, it sounds as if this is mostly your brother's situation and that of his wife. The rest of you can do little but offer support where and when it's needed.

I genuinely hope you will one day talk to someone about the way you feel about your mum, for both your sakes. You say she's been this way 'your whole life'. Maybe that's what needs addressing? It's not a blame-game, and I hope the two of you can find your way back to a better place, in time.

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