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 via mobile 16/4/2020 at 2:14pm
Location: NE Scotland
Outfit: Bailey Phoenix + CRV
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Joined: 02/10/2003 Diamond Member 
Forum Posts: 3894
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
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playing at tinkies
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Topic: jokes (?)
